Happy New Despair

There’s a special kind of despair a person whose body doesn’t work experiences with each New Year.

Because even the most appalling mathematicians amongst us (and I’m certainly one of them), cannot escape the significance of a brand new year starting, when nothing has changed for us physically.

I hated every New Year. Hated them. It brought with it a type of despair I’m scared to explore by visiting it even just retrospectively. It feels like you are the only person in the world left. Like help is never coming.

Like you cannot be saved.

I think if I’d learned just to ignore the New Year. To not react to it. To just keep plodding along (not quite putting one foot in front of the other yet, but whatever the non-moving equivalent of that is), then I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

There are so many ways to get well. I know it sounds easy to say that from where I stand these days. It’s true though. Countless ways. 

If I’d made any New Year’s Resolutions back then, I realise now that a really helpful one would have been to approach each new treatment as if it was the first one I had ever tried. Not drag the emotional baggage of all the ones that didn’t work around with me. To just drop them. To never look back at what hasn’t cured me.

To always be forward facing.

If I’d had a second New Years Resolution, it would most likely have been to be more honest with myself: had a treatment not worked? Or had I just not worked hard enough to make it work?
And then, with that in mind, I would have resolved to fully drop any treatment that wasn’t working, instead of sticking with it because it fit my current believe and ideals.

I can’t go back and change how long it took me to get my life back. All I can do is take the lessons I learned from it and use them to make right now a beautiful place to be.
A place where I never feel fear or despair again. And I can do that now. I do it everyday.

So if you are in a place where everything is dark. Where you can’t believe in your own ability to ever be well again. Just keep going. There are plenty of us who have felt how you feel now. And we got out.

And where we find ourselves now was completely worth the journey, I promise. 


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