Sometimes I forget why I set this little website up. Or maybe I don’t forget. Maybe you can’t ever really forget.
The website is about 4 years old-but these particular four years have been a lifetime for me. In fact the website is the only thing that has not changed.
The content has changed because I have altered in so many ways. Physically I’m very different because 4 years in physical recovery terms is a long time. It mainly means I can walk all of the time and I never have to think about it.
Mental transformations are odd because they are harder to see with the eye. I’m okay all of the time now. I’m happy. I’m don’t live in a state of constant fear. I can talk to people. I feel like the world is a place I can navigate easily. That really did take far longer than most of the physical recovery.
I don’t wake up everyday wondering if a) if my body works b) is it going to be able to work all day c) can I live with the fear of these scenarios.
Maybe time does take care of things. But it’s very slow if it does. I think if I had decided to wait for someone else to show me how to be recovered and unafraid I would probably still be waiting now.
I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get when I set this little website up. I didn’t know any better. I hadn’t seen examples of any better. And though now I realise I was just surviving in those early days-it was still better than the years of beds and wheelchairs and empty nothingness that preceded the merely surviving.
But it is 4 years on now. And mere survival is a thing of the past. So this little website has to be more than just talking about survival. It has to move to where I am. Or it won’t be any use to anyone. I won’t be any use to anyone.
And being of use to people is the only reason I set it up. It’s the only reason it still exists. I’m quite a private person by nature. If you had told me that I would end up talking so frankly about things I was too terrified to voice just a few short years ago? That l would be on the news? Or in newspapers? I wouldn’t have set this little place up at all. I would have kept my mouth shut.
I believe that it doesn’t matter where any of us are right now. Recovery is an option. It exists for all of us. Physical recovery, mental recovery, addiction recovery. Its all very achievable.
And so is doing more than merely surviving. It has to go beyond merely surviving, or it won’t last and I do think I owe it to everyone who isn’t there yet to keep this little place up. To do as I’ve always done and not shove it down anyone’s throat. Just put this visible example of total, achievable recovery into the ether and trust that those who want it will find it.
So I will keep going. And I will commit this year to putting more of what you have asked for on here. More of the day to day stuff. Filling in the gaps of what a fully recovered life looks and feels like. Being what I never had. Being what I committed to being. A strong, visible example of recovery.
I owe you that much.
If your New Year Resolution is to find your own New Life After? Then the least I can do is give you an example of what it can look like.
Because it turns out that’s what I always intended to do with this little place, you see. Even when I didn’t have the words to voice it. Back when I was the frightened, merely surviving girl that I no longer recognise.