You know what has featured quite heavily in this journey to wellness for me?
Loads of the buggers.
Starting with the floor of the one in Sussex I lay dying on, moving through the years to my parent’s house in Newcastle where I’d lock myself in and cry when I was practising walking again (excellent acoustics for the budding connoisseur of crying I assure you). Right through to the public ones I spent many a quality moment in, shaking like a leaf trying to persuade myself I could go back out there and successfully talk to that person/stand in a queue/walk around an entire shop/spend 5 minutes out in the world safely without my Mum. If only I’d thought on I’d have sported a bottle of bleach and a blue jay cloth upon my person at all times and the public loo’s of our fair nation would have been all the brighter for the hours I spent procrastinating amongst the U-Bends…
I’m not writing this from a loo by the way. I got past that bit. I looked at my life and decided it was time to move out of the loo’s and into the Real World. I became unstuck. I moved on.
I’ve been through the entire emotional spectrum several times over during these past few years and I can honestly say that the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being Stuck. Nothing is worse. Not the feeling of being certain you are about to die. Not the fear that comes with discovering you didn’t but that your body no longer works.Nothing. Being stuck is the worst thing that can happen to a person. An inability to move forward either physically or emotionally is hell. Because hell is an actual place and that’s what happens there. Second after minute after hour after day, week, month and year of just Nothingness. Trust me.
I set this website up to help get anyone who is where I was to get out of their physical state of being stuck. It can be done. we are doing it every day. But what happens after you get your body back? You move on. You keep moving on. Leaving all thoughts of grief for the misspent years you will never get back and you charge forwards never, ever looking over your shoulder at where you’ve been. Because it’s not a place you will ever be going back to. I’m going to make sure of it.
Leaving the past as something that is gone forever frees up a lot of energy to concentrate on your Here and Now. And it’s not just a tool to use to stop you from dwelling on the truly crappy years that have passed. It’s the greatest tool in my arsenal of recovery that I’ve ever discovered. Because truly when you know the horror of being stuck and the soul-destroying aspects of it you would not wish it on another living creature. Not one. No not even the girl/boy/hamster that didn’t want you to be their main squeeze. Or the boss that didn’t like you. Or the friend that didn’t want you now you’ve changed. Why would you spend you time wishing to still have them be stuck with you as their focus of attention? How could we want that sort of unhappiness for anyone? How much nicer to see all of us moving forward, dashing through life like it’s a playground and finding new and exciting adventures that continuously shape us into new people with fresh things to strive for. How much easier to look straight ahead for the new person around the corner that’s a much better match to the ever-evolving us anyway? And the next one. And the one after that…
Let’s not be the people who worked so very hard to create our own Life After-and then pretend to be living it whilst actually hiding in our (many, many) bathrooms. Let’s be the ones who are so pleased that we all get to be emotionally free anytime we choose happiness, no matter where our physical bodies are right now. Learning to say Stuck You. Stuck You All to any thought that makes me unhappy or takes me away from the true beauty, the gift of my independent life that is my present, is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. To be free enough to look at everyone, either physically or in my mind’s eye and wish them well and be genuinely happy for all the new and exciting stuff that is coming their way is a feeling of being blessed beyond belief. It’s my greatest wish for you, beyond all things.
No more bathrooms please, literal or figurative. It’s much nicer out here, I promise.
Lots of Love,