When there are no words

Tonight I went for a walk in the snow.

I walked.

In the snow.

I dressed myself, left my own flat hundreds of miles away from the bed I lay in, or the chair I was pushed around in. I dressed myself in clothes that I paid for, from a job that I love. And I walked down 2 flights of stairs. And I went out into the snow. And I walked.

The great thing about walking in snow is that you can see your footprints. Like there’s actual evidence that the walking is real, and it’s definitely you that’s doing it. Alone, unaided.

I walked and I walked and I didn’t even have to think about putting one foot in front of the other. Or whether I would reach a certain point and get too scared and have to turn back or ask for help.

Sometimes there is too much to appreciate. Too much to take in. Not enough words to convey how staggeringly grateful a moment can make you. I get those moments a lot. I never had them before my Life After and at first I didn’t really know how to deal with them. Now I just say Thank You. Over and over and over. I say thank you until it should totally lose its meaning and just seem like a sound. But it never is.

Thank You for letting me fall in love with my life more times a day than I can count.

Thank You for making me the kind of person who can’t tolerate being more than a minute away from feeling Joy.

Thank You for the Love that Saved me that day all those years ago as I lay dying on my floor.

Thank You for bringing me back and letting me share that love with everyone I meet.

Thank You.

Doesn’t even matter if I don’t know who I’m even thanking. It just feels right.

So when you don’t know the words to say, take my advice and just say Thank You. A lot.

C xx


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