What’s My Age Again?

Let’s be honest, we all like to use Age as a Big Stick to beat ourselves up with. Most of us do it daily. We hunt out examples of people we know or have heard of who seem to have more money, better lifestyles, more talent. Those who seem to have much more success than we do. We measure ourselves up to them and we find ourselves lacking. We find it particularly unsettling when these people are the same age as us or younger.

I can remember feeling like this throughout the whole of my early twenties, I never felt good enough, always falling short of what I considered true success. And I always felt so old kind of jaded and worn out. Had I known what was coming next I probably would have enjoyed what I had a lot more…

I find myself in the unique position of having a blank where my late twenties should have been. 26-30 didn’t happen for me in any meaningful way. Four years of nothing, no career to progress in, no new friends or relationships, total arrested development. Try explaining that without feeling like a total failure.

It’s not something that I ever really talk about, because I know it wouldn’t help in any way. I don’t think there’s any way of getting over it, not really. Even if the trade-off is that I’m much happier now than I was in my early twenties. To try and put words to that level of loss isn’t something I’m capable of. So I’ve finally worked out that my way of getting around it is to just leave age out of it altogether. I’ve tried everything else-this is the only thing that works.

Putting the Age Stick down and stepping away from it altogether is a massive relief. I’ve chucked out deadlines I didn’t even remember setting myself. And what’s really nice is I’ve stopped using other people’s age as a way of measuring them. It’s much easier to be kind to myself when I stop counting away my life in days weeks and years. It’s irrelevant when everything is Present Moment anyway.

Maybe you didn’t spend your late twenties the same way I did. Who cares? It doesn’t mean you have to be mean to yourself because of when you were born. Who decided that age was such a big deal anyway? Why should it take being in a wheelchair to finally be kind to ourselves? Maybe if I’d loved myself a little more to begin I might not have ended up there  in the first place? Who can say? All I know is that it’s nice not to feel eaten up by grief and unworthy of a nice life because of my age like I used to be. I highly recommend it. It realy does feel like life got a lot more interesting for me…



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