Guess what? I discovered another massive missing piece to the Wellness puzzle that I didn’t even know was missing. I must be quite rubbish at this whole self-discovery stuff if after all this I’m still realising there are bits I haven’t come close to figuring out. I’d make a rubbish guru. Do me a favour if I ever write a self-help book please don’t buy it…
So remember when I decided that it was time to get my sorry-chicken-like-ass to the gym? And how I just used to cry instead of exercising? (wow let’s add Fitness DVD to the list of things you should never buy off me if I make please-can you imagine what a barrel of laughs that would be? Me sobbing intermittently beside weight machines and walking into treadmills cos I’ve a pair of giant sunglasses on to try and cover up the aforementioned crying? Clearly a bestseller…)
Anyway I digress. I did have a great go at the gym thing, and I liked it for a few weeks, but I didn’t really make any progress beyond the stopping crying. I wasn’t getting any fitter, or running any longer, or staying there for more time week to week. I just wasn’t moving forward at all. I realised I had to do it properly if I was going to make any progress. And so I decided to go somewhere I couldn’t escape from, where they would make me do exercise. Unfortunately when I googled that, all it came up with was Prison. And so I refined my search a little further, and came up with a Yoga Holiday to Turkey.
I don’t know what I was expecting really, but I definitely came back with way more than I ever thought I would. It was scary, and at times uncomfortable beyond belief. That old feeling I used to live with everyday for the first 18 months back in the Real World, the one where everything felt so hard and like I’d never master it and what the hell was I thinking and why did this have to have happened at all etc reared its ugly head. I did cry a lot, I let a lot go I didn’t even know I was still carrying around. I also amazed myself actually. That I could do 27 hours of exercise in 6 days and not so much as pull a muscle. That I could create yet another version of myself in a week. That I still had totally new things I could learn. But by far the most important lesson I learned was this:
If you have a boyfriend you love, and you find out that boyfriend has cheated on you, your relationship changes instantly. Even if you decide you still want that boyfriend in your life, you have to learn to trust them again. They have to prove on some level to you that you can actually trust them. Sometimes this proves too much, so you get rid of that boyfriend.
But if your Body lets you down, if your Body cheats on you, betraying your trust by not working the way it should, abusing your trust and not communicating with you, well to be honest there’s no dumping it and ordering a new one. So perhaps you do what I did and just pretend it didn’t happen, stick your la-la fingers in your ears and try and persevere, blindly hoping it will not happen again-never fully trusting that it wont. Especially if it keeps on cheating on you. My body had stopped cheating on me and letting me down, but I still didn’t trust it, I still didn’t feel a connection to it. And that was why exercise was so traumatic to me. because when you exercise you have to be fully in your body, there’s no other way around it.
So all of this yoga over such a short space of time forced me to get back into my body and connect with it. I was awful at first. I really can’t tell you how much I just wanted to run away off that fecking mountain and hide under my bed. But the pay-off was incredible. I feel like if my body can do all of that and still not break or fail me then it’s earned my trust. And that lack of trust was a massive hole in my life I did not even know was there.
I don’t think it matters where you are on your path to wellness right now, whether you feel you are fully recovered, have made it to the wheelchair, or are still in bed. It doesn’t matter. If you can start and acknowledge to yourself that you can improve your connection to your body from Here. That you can begin to stop the dissociation. Even if you can just admit you are really angry at a body you feel has betrayed you, that’s progress right there. And things can only improve, you can trust your body again, that day will come, I promise, just do what you can for today, the rest will come.