So many people that contact me through this Blog do so because they have lost hope. Hope that life can actually get any better from this point on. Hope that even if they stay in the Hell they find themselves in now, it will be bearable as long as it does not get any worse. Hope that they will be able to do basic things again like take care of themselves physically, financially, emotionally. That they will be able to be fully present spouses or parents. So many hopes so much shattered faith…
I understand what it means to have lost all hope, all self-belief. To truly believe that there is no way out. That life will never get any better. The mental tiredness as well as the physical exhaustion. The bitter disappointment as yet another miracle cure fails to deliver on it’s promise. To forget what life was like when health and independence were the norm. I know that place. I lived there for a very long time indeed.
I now stand in a place where I can fend for myself in a world that does not terrify me. Where I am safe to love life and all that comes with it. Even when I was at my most hopeful (not very often trust me but I had my moments), never did I believe I could have the life I live now. Never did I even imagine I could feel this happy, this free, this excited by everything. The life I had now is now is one I never thought I deserved. But I believe I deserve it now. And I believe it will only get bigger and better with every moment that passes.
Because I do believe that we don’t have to count our lives in years, weeks, days, hours or even minutes. Our life is just Now. Just this moment. I’m not asking you to be hopeful about where you will be this time next year. I’m not asking you to be hopeful when you wake up tomorrow even. I’m asking you to take this journey moment by moment. It’s all any of us can do regardless of circumstance. And I right now you cannot summon the hope to believe you will be able to ever take a step again, or feed yourself. Or drive, or do your own grocery shopping, well that’s okay. There is something that you can achieve now in this moment. Even if you are bedbound, there is always something we are capable of doing. Even if that is simply allowing ourself to daydream of a better now without the frustration of our physical reality creeping in and spoiling for us. The more you try it the better you will get at it. I remember how upset I used to get when I would even dream I was in a wheelchair or bedbound. It took a lot of focussing my belief to get me to the point where my dreams, and eventually my reality went beyond this.
Be kind to yourself. Not every moment is going to be one filled with belief, or positive thought, or even a little hope. When you do have a dark moment that you feel you can’t control, there are always people to talk it through with. If you don’t have the energy for a friend or family member, there are many professional organisations that talk to people who have lost hope everyday. Use every resource available to you. Don’t give up. You deserve a wonderful, healthy, satisfying life. Don’t ever tell yourself you aren’t worth it. I know you are.