There Goes The Fear

With a massive life change such as an illness comes a massive shift in perception. We never are the same afterwards. This is also true of our Emotions. They change throughout the journey in so many ways. Today I thought I’d talk about my journey with Fear, as I think it’s been the most dramatic emotional shift for me…


When I thought I was going to die I was very afraid, very, very, very afraid. It just seemed so wrong, and so quick and I was not ready for it in any way. Then I didn’t die, but I didn’t feel very alive for a long time either. I firmly understood what it meant just to simply exist. That didn’t feel very fair either to be honest, but I also felt relief that I was still to ill to function, because whilst I was ill I could not get sick again.

How bizarre is that.


As time went on (lots of time, my mid-to-late twenties to be precise), I felt the triumphs of every bit of progress I made. But it was scary as hell. Because the more Well I became, the more I felt I had to lose if I got ill again.


Imagine the most afraid you’ve ever been in your life. Imagine that never going away. It being a constant from the moment you wake up to second you fall asleep. Imagine dreaming the Fear too. And then it happening all over again. I was constantly terrified, it became as normal to me as breathing. Every single moment of my day. I look back on it now and I literally cannot believe I made out that everything was fine. I went from being terrified and in bed, to terrified in a wheelchair, to walking, to working. I don’t actually understand how I did it. I remember physically shaking constantly. My voice also constantly shook, I sounded like an old woman. It was very embarrassing.

Yet throughout the whole time (and trust me it was years) I held onto the hope that actually one day I’d conquer the fear -and nothing would scare me ever again. I can’t tell you where or when it happened, but I can tell you that I’m at the point now. And that as I suspected it was worth every second of the Fear to get here.


Now I am physically strong enough to work as many hours as I want (and I work some truly crazy hours). My voice no longer shakes-it’s a source of great pride the I essentially talk for a living, it’s my second biggest achievement after the walking. I have the confidence to go anywhere and do anything. And it’s real confidence. It’s not the pretend confidence that I used to fake before I got ill. It’s a confidence I had to build from nothing.

All of this would probably be enough for me to have a very happy life-but I discovered something new about myself that’s just as good as all of that stuff. I am now able to show myself to people emotionally without fear of the consequences. I don’t shut myself off from people. If I think someone is good at something, or I admire them then I tell them now. I don’t just sit there with all of the admiration I feel in my head. If I like the way someone is and I want to be their friend then I let them know. I’m fully aware I’m probably the only person over the ago of 10 that does this but I don’t care. I don’t have a fear of rejection anymore-and to me that is real freedom.


So if you do like someone-just tell them! Not everyone has to go through the bed-to-chair-to-walking routine to get to this stage. We can decide to let the Emotional Barriers down at any stage we like. And if that person in question doesn’t want to be your friend or boyfriend then it’s not going to hurt like it used to because you can walk away head held high knowing that you showed them the True Essence of Yourself…to me that’s what my life is all about now, showing people my true self and hoping they’ll show me theirs in return…


Carrie x




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