It never Ends.
That’s the conclusion I have come to lately.
I thought it would-the journey that is. I thought at some point a ribbon would appear for me to break through like at the end of a race. Or I’d wake up one day and it would feel like New Year’s Day and I’d know for sure that a new chapter had begun.
But it never happened.
I can kind of categorise stages of my journey. Give them words like Bed, Chair, Walking, Working etc. I could also do that at the time I achieved all of these milestones. But what really threw me. What kept knocking me back time and time again was the concept that one day I’d get to the point where I would feel like my old self again. Or, failing that, I would get to the point where it was all finally over. that I could dust my hands off and say “yup all done-next please”.
I’m still waiting for both of these things to happen.
I think what I was actually looking for was a Recovery. That I’d find my old self hidden beneath the layers of this whole experience. Or that my old self was hidden in a safe somewhere inside of me and I just had to find the right lock combination to set it free. I felt I had never really achieved any thing of real worth because the old me just never showed up again.
I basically missed the point for years. I actually missed the entire point up until last week. And that point is this.
It’s Never Over. It Never Ends. There is no such thing as Recovery.
It’s actually way better than that. It’s not about Recovering yourself at all. It’s about Transforming into a new version of you. It has to be. Nobody can go backwards (not without the aid of an incredibly modified Dolorian and a Flux-Capacitor anyway). Everyone changes, it’s just that illness has a way of accelerating the process. I think when we talk about Recovery we are really just using it as a Big Stick to beat ourselves up with. It’s just another way of keeping ourselves small. Because to me Transformation is like a constant New Year’s Day feeling. I’m never going to be the old version of me. I was never actually that version of me for very long anyway. I was constantly changing, even before illness. I just never paid any attention to it.
There’s a lot I want to talk about on this subject. It covers a lot of the Trouble Area’s in going from Ill to Well. But I think this is enough for now. Just know that if you’re reading this and you are frustrated and scared and you want the Old You back, then you don’t need to be. Because something way better than that is around the corner I promise
I’m not a doctor. The information provided on this site is not a substitute for professional medical advice and care. If you have specific needs, please see a professional health care provider. Thank you.